Friday, April 07, 2006

Yesterday there was a problem. I recently purchased a new saw and miters box from Lowe's as well as some nice pine shoe-molding. A canvas stretcher was to be assembled. These supplies were all that was needed once I took into account what was already waiting. The wood was cut and the glue was drying but one thing was missing... my hammer. The apartment was sadly lacking in tools that day and what could be done with a pounding stone was. Later I remembered that hammer had been left in the car. This reminded me of a poem.
The Lay of Thrym, "the finest ballad in the world." A story of great Gods, cross dressing, deception and a missing hammer. With foolish simplifications. Seriously.

Without further adue, THRYMSKVITHA.

Wild was Vingthor | when he awoke,
And when his mighty | hammer he missed;
He shook his beard, | his hair was bristling,
As the son of Jorth | about him sought.

Hear now the speech | that first he spake:
"Harken, Loki , | and heed my words,
Nowhere on earth | is it known to man,
Nor in heaven above: | our hammer is stolen."

(Thor the Hurler woke frantically and bellowed though his tangled hair "Where the Hell is my hammer!? Everyone looked around but no one in heaven or earth knew where he left it. Thor said to Loki "Some ass stole it.")

To the dwelling fair | of Freyja went they,
Hear now the speech | that first he spake:
"Wilt thou, Freyja, | thy feather-dress lend me,
That so my hammer | I may seek?"

Freyja spake:
"Thine should it be | though of silver bright,
And I would give it | though 'twere of gold."
Then Loki flew, | and the feather-dress whirred,
Till he left behind him | the home of the gods,
And reached at last | the realm of the giants.

(The two Gods went to see the Misses. They asked "Freyja, dear, may we borrow the Hawk coat. It seems the hammer is missing." She responded "Very well but do take good care of it Loki, it is hard to trust you after last time." Loki took the coat and it's feathers flapped and quickly he was in the air heading for the home of the giants.)

Thrym sat on a mound, | the giants' master,
Leashes of gold | he laid for his dogs,
And stroked and smoothed | the manes of his steeds.

Thrym spake:
"How fare the gods, | how fare the elves ?
Why comst thou alone | to the giants' land?"

Loki spake:
"III fare the gods, | ill fare the elves!
Hast thou hidden | Hlorrithi's hammer?"

Thrym spake:
"I have hidden | Hlorrithi's hammer,
Eight miles down | deep in the earth;
And back again | shall no man bring it
If Freyja I win not | to be my wife."

(The lord of giants sat on his throne petting his pets, not unlike Doctor Evil. Loki lands and approaches to hear: "How're the Gods n elves Loki. What be you after today?" "Gods rule, elves drool. Well not really. Gods drool too. Thrym and you know why I come. Did you take the Hammer?" quipped Loki.
"I took the hammer and buried it where no one can find it to spite your Master LOLz! You can't have it back until Thor forks over his hot wife.")

Then Loki flew, | and the feather-dress whirred,
Till he left behind him | the home of the giants,
And reached at last | the realm of the gods.
There in the courtyard | Thor he met:
Hear now the speech | that first he spake:

"Hast thou found tidings | as well as trouble?
Thy news in the air | shalt thou utter now;
Oft doth the sitter | his story forget,
And lies he speaks | who lays himself down."

Loki spake:
"Trouble I have, | and tidings as well:
Thrym, king of the giants, | keeps thy hammer,
And back again | shall no man bring it
If Freyja he wins not | to be his wife."

(Again Loki flew in the fancy Hawk Coat. He soared through the clouds until he met Thor in the front yard. The great God asked "Stand and tell me what you have learned of my hammer. No lies either." Loki sheepishly orated the giant's demands "I've good news and bad news. The good news is I know where your hammer is. The bad is the Giants stole it and that idiot Thyrm has the hots for your woman. He said that if you want your hammer back you have to give him your wife. Yeah it is pretty steep.")

Freyja the fair | then went they to find
Hear now the speech | that first he spake:
"Bind on, Freyja, | the bridal veil,
For we two must haste | to the giants' home."

Wrathful was Freyja, | and fiercely she snorted,
And the dwelling great | of the gods was shaken,
And burst was the mighty | Brisings' necklace:
"Most lustful indeed | should I look to all
If I journeyed with thee | to the giants' home."

(The two Gods went to see Freyja. "Wife you must get your brides dress on and come with us. I am trading you for a Hammer, a very important Hammer." Announced Thor stubbornly.
Freyja's face went red and the ground around her tried to flee. "You get your own damn Hammer! I am not whore to be traded!" she yelled ferociously. Her jewelry glowed as brightly as her angry eyes.)

Then were the gods | together met,
And the goddesses came | and council held,
And the far-famed ones | a plan would find,
How they might Hlorrithi's | hammer win.

Then Heimdall spake, | whitest of the gods,
Like the Wanes he knew | the future well:
"Bind we on Thor | the bridal veil,
Let him bear the mighty | Brisings' necklace;

"Keys around him | let there rattle,
And down to his knees | hang woman's dress;
With gems full broad | upon his breast,
And a pretty cap | to crown his head."

Then Thor the mighty | his answer made:
"Me would the gods | unmanly call
If I let bind | the bridal veil."

Then Loki spake, | the son of Laufey :
"Be silent, Thor, | and speak not thus;
Else will the giants | in Asgarth dwell
If thy hammer is brought not | home to thee."

Then bound they on Thor | the bridal veil,
And next the mighty | Brisings' necklace.

Keys around him | let they rattle,
And down to his knees | hung woman's dress;
With gems full broad | upon his breast,
And a pretty cap | to crown his head.

Then Loki spake, | the son of Laufey:
"As thy maid-servant thither | I go with thee;
We two shall haste | to the giants' home."

(All the God assembled to figure out what to do. Heimdall the grey bearded wiseman smirked and said: "I have an idea, Lets dress Thor up like a girl and send him instead... right? We can put her necklace on him. We will dress him in glittery things and he can even use this pretty hat!" Thor frowned. "I will be a laughing stock. You all will think I am a girl man! Unacceptable! Lets find another plan that doesn't involve me looking like a queen."
"If you don't get your hammer back the giants will just knock down our doors with it and we will have to see them every day. They will drink all our beer and hog the couch." Loki accuratly remarked.
Thor put on the Glittery dress, family jewels and even the pretty hat without another utterance. Loki joined him in drag as his maid.)

Then home the goats | to the hall were driven,
They wrenched at the halters, | swift were they to run;
The mountains burst, | earth burned with fire,
And Othin's son | sought Jotunheim.

(Away the inappropriately dress duo rode. Burning the grass into pitch with the speed of Thors sweet goat chariot. Away to the giant's home)

Then loud spake Thrym, | the giants' leader:
"Bestir ye, giants, | put straw on the benches;
Now Freyja they bring | to be my bride,
The daughter of Njorth | out of Noatun.

"Gold-horned cattle | go to my stables,
Jet-black oxen, | the giant's joy;
Many my gems, | and many my jewels,
Freyja alone | did I lack, methinks."

(Thrym boisterously hollered "Look! She comes! Fluff the pillows and hide the cows! Of all the wonderful things I have it was only her I lacked. What wealth I have! Get the Cows out of here I said!")

Early it was | to evening come,
And forth was borne | the beer for the giants;
Thor alone ate an ox, | and eight salmon,
All the dainties as well | that were set for the women;
And drank Sif's mate | three tuns of mead.

Then loud spake Thrym, | the giants' leader:
"Who ever saw bride | more keenly bite?
I ne'er saw bride | with a broader bite,
Nor a maiden who drank | more mead than this!"

Hard by there sat | the serving-maid wise,
So well she answered | the giant's words:
"From food has Freyja | eight nights fasted,
So hot was her longing | for Jotunheim."

Thrym looked 'neath the veil, | for he longed to kiss,
But back he leaped | the length of the hall:
"Why are so fearful | the eyes of Freyja?
Fire, methinks, | from her eyes burns forth."

Hard by there sat | the serving-maid wise,
So well she answered | the giant's words:
"No sleep has Freyja | for eight nights found,
So hot was her longing | for Jotunheim."

(The feast came to table and all was merry. But the giants thought it disturbing that after a whole ox, eight fish, hundreds of cookies and three barrels of beer Thryms' new bride still had her appetite.
"I've ne'er seen a woman that could eat and drink like you can! Those jawls are huge!" exclaimed the lord of Giants.
The Bride's mad sheepishly uttered "My lady has been so aflutter with anticipation that she has been unable to eat for the last few days. Such is her desire for your... giantness." She blushed. The Bride stopped chewing for a moment then continued.
The Giant stooped to look at his to be bride and saw something unsettling when leaning in for a kiss. "Why're her eyes like that, they burn like little furnaces?"
"My Lady has been without rest for days now. Becasue of her yerning to witness the vastness of your lordships... territory." she uttered in that suprisingly deep voice.)

Soon came the giant's | luckless sister,
Who feared not to ask | the bridal fee:
"From thy hands the rings | of red gold take,
If thou wouldst win | my willing love,
My willing love | and welcome glad."

Then loud spake Thrym, | the giants' leader:
"Bring in the hammer | to hallow the bride;
On the maiden's knees | let Mjollnir lie,
That us both the band | of Vor may bless."

(In short time the Giant's older sister entered the banquet hall. She was not hesitant to ask for the doury, it was her duty. "I ask for the rings on your fingers Freyja, with them you will earn my love as sister and your welcome here."
The Giant king interrupted saying "Go now! Bring the hammer I promised! Lay it'oner lap as a symbol of our new love. May it be blessed by the Goddess!" Thor looked up.)

The heart in the breast | of Hlorrithi laughed
When the hard-souled one | his hammer beheld;
First Thrym, the king | of the giants, he killed,
Then all the folk | of the giants he felled.

The giant's sister | old he slew,
She who had begged | the bridal fee;
A stroke she got | in the shillng's stead,
And for many rings | the might of the hammer.

And so his hammer | got Othin's son.

(With that last remark and the hammer on his knees the God formerly know as Bride erupted from his seat. Diving across the table the delivered a thunderous crack to the skull of his to-be husband, crushing it. With the power of his favorite hammer the God of agriculture emitted a rain of blows that buried all the giant's kin. Even the older sister who didn't resist was rended. Awarded a short end rather than shiney trends)

(That's how Thor got his hammer back.)


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